I never quite seem to manage unmitigated good news or bad news any more. I think the sign that life has hit the long stretch from maturity to the grave is the realization that everything evens out on a long enough time scale,
and that positives and negatives will, in any life, happen with equal frequency. The secret to happiness isn’t avoiding the bad stuff that can happen; it’s focusing on the good stuff instead.
Of course, that doesn’t help those of us who are by nature pessimistic worriers and perfectionists, but it’s a nice idea anyway.
I missed Jessie’s birthday on Monday, and I didn’t even realize it until zie said something to me last night. Zie’d been out of sorts for a few days, but I couldn’t figure out why and zie didn’t really tell me until we were curled
up in bed last night, and suddenly zie reminded me of that and I felt like a total schmuck.
Now, in my defense, I don’t have a good head for dates. Not only do I rarely remember what day it is, I don’t place “today is the nth of xtember” with “the nth of xtember is a special day for this reason” until at least the (n+2)th, sometimes not even until the middle of ztober. It’s kind of embarrassing, really; I don’t even remember it’s my own birthday some years.
So, on top of everything else, for me to have forgotten such an important day—important because I say it is, and always have—was seriously bad juju. I’m still upset about it this morning, though at this point anything I do to correct the mistake will make me feel worse, not better. Now that the damage is done, bandages on the wound will only call more attention to the wound; they won’t help it heal.
On the up-side, I finally had the proof that everything through which I put myself, all the torment and abuse I faced going through my transition, proved a few nights ago to be worthwhile. I had my first post-operative orgasm.
Something of such phenomenal importance, one might think, would get mentioned as soon as it happened. It would, but the truth is that there’s absolutely no way for me to describe it. It was… it was right. My body responded as it felt like it should. I felt at that moment like I could’ve pushed myself into damn near anything and succeeded. I probably could’ve gone for two or three of them, in fact, if sleep hadn’t claimed me almost immediately afterwards.
Like I said, the ups and downs tend to come in even measure after a while. It’s focusing on the positives that makes life worthwhile. “It isn’t that I don’t suffer; it’s that I know the unimportance of suffering.” My mate will probably get pissy with me for quoting from That Damned Book, but I think this time it’s more than reasonable.